The Army's winning apology

If you watched the Armed Forces Bowl on Saturday, December 23rd, 2017, you saw a terrific game between the Black Knights of Army West Point and the San Diego State Aztecs and... a great halftime leadership lesson from Army Coach, Jeff Monken.

Heading into the locker room at the half, Coach Monken had a lot on his mind. Army’s short-lived 21-14 lead had just been erased by San Diego State’s Juwan Washington’s 78 yard kick-off return with only five seconds remaining. It was a momentum buster. So, Coach made sure he focused on his first priority – apologizing. You heard right. Before the game began, Army lost track of the time in their locker room and ended up missing the National Anthem. For 30 minutes of football a raw feeling punctured Coach Monken’s game concentration. The half time interview with reporters was his first opportunity to clear the air.

"I want to apologize, I’m most embarrassed for not being out here for the national anthem. They had a five-minute push, we didn’t realize it watching the clock. I want to apologize to all the Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen out there. We had no intention of missing the national anthem. That’s bothered me since we started the game."

An apology is an admission by one party of an offense against another. Done right, a winning apology has three simple parts: (1) Acknowledging the offense; (2) Expressing authentic remorse; and (3) Repairing the harm done.

Absent these critical elements delivered in the proper sequence, an apology loses its power to restore good will to relationships. Coach Monken role modeled how to deliver an authentic apology.

In a football season marked by frequent NFL National Anthem protests and the distractions and divisiveness they caused; the Army team should have set the ultimate example for properly honoring the sacred symbol of our nation’s freedoms—the flag. Coach Monken knew that what Army did—missing the National Anthem—was far greater an offense because of who Army is.

Expressing remorse begins with knowing and feeling the wrong we have done. In fact, when we do something wrong, we should feel shame and guilt. People with healthy consciences do not ignore or bury their guilt. Instead, like Coach Monken, they seek to restore integrity and wholeness to relationships and themselves. Words matter in expressing remorse. Notice that the coach did not use the word “regret”, which means to wish the situation had occurred differently. Expressing a regret without real remorse says the offender is not really accepting responsibility.

Finally, after acknowledging the offense and expressing remorse, Coach Monken sought to repair the harm done by his Army team for missing the game’s national anthem. How? The only way he could. By encouraging his players to fight just as hard as all those who fight for the flag with a thrilling come from behind last-second victory!

This Christmas Season, take a page from Coach Monken's leadership playbook. If you have wronged someone, whether intentional or not, find the earliest appropriate time to extend an authentic apology. You'll be a true winner like Coach Monken.

Former Army Football player, COL Mark McKearn, USA Retired, and his West Point classmate, Peter DeMarco, are executive coaches.